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Waiting For Mine

"Only God Knows Why" - Kid Rock

I was searching through my collection of compilations that have piled up over the years. I have a few favorites in the mix, but without a doubt I must admit that the ones my older sister put together have the most powerful impact on me. When she's in a mood to make a CD, her song selection often reflects what she is feeling at the time. I find it amusing that what she pieced together over a decade ago is exactly what I'm going through right now. This song was on a compilation entitled "Mad Crazy 2" and I couldn't have used better words to describe my emotional state at this moment. And no, for the first time in a very long while it has nothing to do with a boy.

I hate how things can be easily misunderstood. I hate that even in such simply constructed sentences using basic, everyday words, a small ignorant few often want to over complicate things with their own versions of what they think I mean. To be honest, I never mean sh*t more than what I write. I hate this perception of me that I can't change no matter how hard I try. I hate it because it's wrong. And it's exhausting and mentally draining to have to make it right. I can't help it if your first impression of me is not who I really am. I can't help you for seeing what you want to see in me. I know I can't please everyone and plenty of people don't like me for whatever reason. I wish I could say that it doesn't bug me. I guess it wouldn't if it wasn't so damn obvious in my professional life.

I'm tired of having to keep my mouth shut and just go with it. I'm tired because I do more than what I'm paid to do, but I shouldn't have to hold hands to prove it. I'm tired because I've been carrying the burden of two and they're just now realizing how challenging it can be to find another one like me. My energy is telling me it's time to move on, to make it even harder for them, but it's hard to walk away from something I worked so long and hard for. It's hard because I don't quit that easily, yet it's amazing that a handful of people have the power to take my self-worth and shrink it to almost nothing.

It sucks because I'm letting them as I sit back here and do nothing, but bitch. But really, what can you do when people move up based on who they know, not what they know? When the more you speak your mind, the more they try to control it? When even your rights of having a choice are jaded by a guaranteed paycheck? What can you really do? It's funny how a 3-sentence long email caught more attention than half a year's worth of work.

I know I can do better than this. I know I'm worth more than the sh*t that I'm doing. I know this job is not my career choice. I've known this for years. But I do it for the clients, for the participants, and for the people who value it. It just becomes harder and harder when the only ones that notice are the ones that can't take it any further than where it is now. Those that believe in this role have no say on the changes that are coming, in which I may not be here much longer to see. I hope this'll be more by my choice vs. their cuts. I may not be sure where I'll be or what I'll be doing, but all I know is no matter what the hell it is, I'll do one hell of a good job.


Lyrics:

I've been sittin' here
trying to find myself
i get behind myself
i need to rewind myself
looking for the payback
listen for the playback
they say that every man
bleeds just like me
and i feel like number one
but yet i'm last in line
i watch my younger son
and it helps to pass the time
i take too many pills
it helps to ease the pain
i made a couple dollar bills
but still i feel the same
everybody knows my name
they say it way out loud
a lot of folks f@%k with me
it's hard to hang out in crowds
i guess that's the price you pay
to be some big shot like i am
out skirt stands and one night stands
still i can't find love

And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around

People don't know about the things
i say and do they don't understand
about the sh*t that i've
been through, it's been so long
since i've been home i've been gone,
i've been gone for way too long
maybe i forgot all the things I miss
Oh somehow I know there's more to life
than this, I said it too many times
and i still stand firm
you get what you put in
and people get what they deserve,
still i ain't seen mine
No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin'
I've been walking down that line
So I think I'll keep walking
with my head held high
i'll keep moving on and
Only God knows why

Only God... only God
Only God knows why
Only God... knows ... why, why, why only
God knows why
Take me to the river hey
Take me to the river


http://www.lyrics007.com/Kid%20Rock%20Lyrics/Only%20God%20Knows%20Why%20Lyrics.html
http://www.mp3oxygen.com/hosted/97/lil-wayne-do-it-again-.html

Comments

  1. I totally get it. In the end, it will all pay off. Somehow, hard work always pays off. :) That's what I keep telling myself.

    ReplyDelete

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