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Love, I Loved the Most

"Jar of Hearts" - Christina Perri

You're not finding any of my blogs "interesting" or "funny," anymore I see. Figures. It's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine. That is, after I had to learn the hard way, yesterday. I should've resisted the temptation, but something was telling me just to try anyway. It won't hurt just to try, but lucky me, it definitely did. All over again.

Dammit and it was just a f@$kin' message! I hate that I still cared enough to check, but I'm glad that you're finally smart enough to change it. I wanted so badly to delete at least mine from you. The sound of my voice, what I said, how I said it. I wanted it all just to go away forever, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Even the second time around. I almost thought, "Wow, it must mean something for him to still hang onto this all this time." Almost, but of course that's when I found something that made me realize nothing's changed. Silly me, I still love you and sadly, because of it I loved me less. I should've left well enough alone. I should've left it at the last text. I should've left it at the last call. I should've left it. I should've, but I didn't and here I am again.

I can't believe I was even considering seeing you just to see you. I was seriously looking forward to hearing from you to "set the date." I even thought about which Starbucks and what we'd order. Like the idiot that I am, I forgot I couldn't depend on you. Why did I fall for this idea that we could be something even though neither one of us knew what that something would be? Why did I almost see a point to it when there NEVER is EVER a point. This happened to me countless times with others before you and it's like I constantly have to challenge my heart to see how much more it can take. Maybe this one'll be different. Maybe this time this one is the one. Maybe, but no not anymore.

What pisses me off is how you keep justifying yourself as not being a "cheater," like you should be on some sort of pedestal for not f@$kin' someone else. Cheating is an easy way out and nothing about us was ever easy. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you were better than him for not stooping this low. You've hit rock bottom quite a few times and you took me with you. Ya, he did some sh*t, but no we're not best friends. We're not even friends because he chose to move in a direction that would be so much better for the both of us for him to go it alone and it's ok. I think we had to do this to know for sure that we're ok. And we are because he's not the love I loved the most.

But you. Oh, you. You're a whole other story. And you've never been an open book so I had to do a lot more digging just to read into you. Now, I'm just not surprised at what I find anymore. I think what would've surprised me was seeing effort on your part. I guess I don't know how to make things hard for you. Even this has been a walk in the park. I just wished you would've done something, anything for me to know what your real intentions were for reconnecting with me. It just doesn't make sense to put me through this for no reason other than to be an a@%hole. If that was the reason then I guess I'm the a@%hole and for that, I hate you. I hate you for being a liar, a quitter, and a useless fighter. And what kills me the most is that you seem to be ok with it. None of this doesn't seem to be killing you. That's because you can read me. You had your time with my journal, our long-winded conversation on my birthday, a few nostalgic texts back and forth since, and of course this blog to satisfy your need. I don't. I never did.

You were fine with the 3-hour "fight" we had without actually talking, huh? Ever read back through our messages? I sure did. I found it kinda interesting how you wanted Starbucks, but still didn't say when and where. I found it even more interesting how you found the need to defend yourself over some random message when we have been apart for almost a year. And lastly, I found it pretty funny that we changed our tune when it came down to this Saturday. But who are we kidding? I can't just show up out of the blue. I won't confuse him any further. It's not fair to him or me for dragging this out. And I won't be the one to work at this anymore. I kept tossing and turning about what I could've done differently, but I can't do this to myself anymore. It's not worth it to hurt this much. It was fine. I was fine. Everything was fine. Just not anymore.


Lyrics:

No, I can't take one more step towards you
‘Cuz all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

It took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
‘Cuz you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?


http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/christinaperri/jarofhearts.html
http://musicloversgroups.blogspot.com/2011/03/christina-perri-jar-of-hearts-lyrics.html

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