It's been a rough two days, but not because I was having second thoughts about being in this new city. I think something stronger than life is testing my patience and unfortunately, I'm not doing so well. It's hard not to let one bad experience ruin my whole mood, but it did. I tried to refocus my energy, but I'll be damned if I lose a battle to a no-nothing prick with an aggressive temper. In the end I got my way, but for some odd reason I still wasn't satisfied. Surprisingly, I felt like I still lost because I let what shouldn't have mattered, matter greatly and to top it off I wore that anger on my sleeve. I saw myself from the outside, but didn't know how to shake it off and I knew that if I didn't shed away what irked me that the person who did nothing to cause it would be the person I would take it out on. My ability to rub my negativity onto others usually works like a charm. I do this because I still want to be mad and it's a cinch to do so when there's something or someone to be mad at. So, if they don't feel like I do then I do my best to make them feel it so they can become an easy target. I know this makes me a jerk, but it's difficult not to do when I'm caught in the moment.
The next morning I woke up feeling disappointed in myself for my behavior (ok, ok a lot). Although my nasty attitude didn't latch onto others the way I had planned, the fact that I tried to force them to feel crappy only made me feel like crap. What was happening here? Why was I suddenly feeling things I never felt before? Unsatisfied when I got my way and then feeling guilty when I usually dismiss my mood swings altogether? I wasn't prepared to turn my own tables and it didn't help any when I was home alone and a bit disoriented with the whole settling in part. I wanted to keep busy since my mind wouldn't work with me. This meant to clean and organize since I can do this unconsciously, but I didn't know how to unpack if there was nowhere to pack it into. Every drawer and closet I opened was full and it wasn't my place to decide what stays and what goes. I did that already with my stuff and believe me, that wasn't an easy feat.
I sat back and stared at the few boxes I was able to squeeze into my tiny car and realized I probably brought more than I needed. The thought of having to downsize what I've already downsized made my stomach hurt. Regardless, any amount at this point would've been too much on top of too much. I guess I thought things would happen rather quickly, but I didn't take into consideration that it will take time and lots of it (at least more than a measly two days). I'm moving into something that has been settled way before me, but it's hard to accept that adjustments would have to be made beyond my control and to trust it.
I know I'm not an easy person to live with. I've been told by more than a few people and they've made it a point to warn those that I will be sharing a space with on more than a few occasions. I never promised to be easy. The thing is I can't just jump in and take over when this time I'm the newbie in the house. So naturally, I snapped yet again. I pulled up a bag of old receipts on top of an already-made bed and made a mess. I looked through the history of my life on paper and made my usual 3 piles: (1) To Keep (2) To Shred and (3) To Throw Away. I sat there for more than 4-hours trying to figure out which pile I wanted to put myself in until you came home.
After two days of work, you remained calm with me. You listened to my plea. You didn't blame me or argue against me (though at times you tried to get your point across), you simply let it be. You knew I was stressing and rather than let me continue to stress, you went out and bought me a "closet." You came back, dressed down from your suit and put it together. No questions asked. You did this for me. The following day you decided to work from home so that you can downsize to make room for me and so that I had you by my side in the event that I have yet another melt down. We gave each other space to rummage through our belongings and checked in to make sure we didn't get lost in it. You took the lead, but still made sure I wasn't too far behind. I let you take control when I was flustered and surprisingly, it gave me the satisfaction I've been looking for to know that everything will be ok. We took a break from the clean up to browse through endless possibilities for a fresh start together. From paint and furniture to color schemes and Feng Shui, we still have a lot to do, but it feels good to feel at home and to just be here with you.
The next morning I woke up feeling disappointed in myself for my behavior (ok, ok a lot). Although my nasty attitude didn't latch onto others the way I had planned, the fact that I tried to force them to feel crappy only made me feel like crap. What was happening here? Why was I suddenly feeling things I never felt before? Unsatisfied when I got my way and then feeling guilty when I usually dismiss my mood swings altogether? I wasn't prepared to turn my own tables and it didn't help any when I was home alone and a bit disoriented with the whole settling in part. I wanted to keep busy since my mind wouldn't work with me. This meant to clean and organize since I can do this unconsciously, but I didn't know how to unpack if there was nowhere to pack it into. Every drawer and closet I opened was full and it wasn't my place to decide what stays and what goes. I did that already with my stuff and believe me, that wasn't an easy feat.
I sat back and stared at the few boxes I was able to squeeze into my tiny car and realized I probably brought more than I needed. The thought of having to downsize what I've already downsized made my stomach hurt. Regardless, any amount at this point would've been too much on top of too much. I guess I thought things would happen rather quickly, but I didn't take into consideration that it will take time and lots of it (at least more than a measly two days). I'm moving into something that has been settled way before me, but it's hard to accept that adjustments would have to be made beyond my control and to trust it.
I know I'm not an easy person to live with. I've been told by more than a few people and they've made it a point to warn those that I will be sharing a space with on more than a few occasions. I never promised to be easy. The thing is I can't just jump in and take over when this time I'm the newbie in the house. So naturally, I snapped yet again. I pulled up a bag of old receipts on top of an already-made bed and made a mess. I looked through the history of my life on paper and made my usual 3 piles: (1) To Keep (2) To Shred and (3) To Throw Away. I sat there for more than 4-hours trying to figure out which pile I wanted to put myself in until you came home.
After two days of work, you remained calm with me. You listened to my plea. You didn't blame me or argue against me (though at times you tried to get your point across), you simply let it be. You knew I was stressing and rather than let me continue to stress, you went out and bought me a "closet." You came back, dressed down from your suit and put it together. No questions asked. You did this for me. The following day you decided to work from home so that you can downsize to make room for me and so that I had you by my side in the event that I have yet another melt down. We gave each other space to rummage through our belongings and checked in to make sure we didn't get lost in it. You took the lead, but still made sure I wasn't too far behind. I let you take control when I was flustered and surprisingly, it gave me the satisfaction I've been looking for to know that everything will be ok. We took a break from the clean up to browse through endless possibilities for a fresh start together. From paint and furniture to color schemes and Feng Shui, we still have a lot to do, but it feels good to feel at home and to just be here with you.
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