Self-Doubt

"It's Time" - Imagine Dragons

 

God grant me the serenity...  that is if I believed that there is only one being up there beyond the clouds that really does have such power.  And if so, who is it?  Who gets it?  Because at dire times it's hard for me to see it.  Is it wrong for me to question what to believe especially when I look around me and wonder why things are the way they have to be? 

An illness that comes out of nowhere reminds me of just how mortal we all are.  An addiction that spans longer than a day shows me that even a want for something can be confused with a need.  And stress in it of itself proves to me that an illness and addiction can come from a single source.

It's been an up and down Sunday to say the least.  I'm bashing down on these keys as a band I recently discovered (Imagine Dragons) and an album that I'm in love with (Continued Silence EP), blasts through my ears as loud as I want to scream!  Though their melody is soothing enough for me to follow my thoughts carefully, it's still helping me get lost along the way.  I want to stray.  Just to get far from here.  Anywhere, but here.

When I say here, I mean a memory within me that is tangling my sense of security into a mangled mess.  It happens like clockwork at the moment when nothing seems wrong until that old familiar wrench throws itself into the mix.  It happens when I've grown used to the way things were and have fallen hopelessly trapped into what I feared would happen in the beginning:  Self-doubt. 

It happens when I least expect it to happen and then it just won't leave well enough alone.   Since I've surrendered to it, I am given no other choice but to allow it to take over.  With this control, I prioritize it over me.  I cater to it; latching onto its leg like a horny puppy.  Letting it watch and question every move I make if I attempt to let go.

It's no one's fault, but my own.  And yet as I approach this rocky road, knowing full well that I'm responsible for most of the rocks, I tread on it as if it's going to lead me somewhere else, but here.  As if by some miracle, this constant circle will push me into a new direction.  It hurts to walk, but I know that if I start crawling the jagged pieces of broken earth will embed itself into my skin.  Yet unlike the fingernails against my hand, I won't wake up.  I'll just be here.  Still.

Why do I choose this path?  Or does it choose me?  Maybe in my mind this is supposed to be my destination.  Never satisfied and always stumbling over the chaos I laid out before me.  Depending on it to lead me and not trusting myself enough to know that if I leave it behind, it will allow me to walk passed it.

Lyrics:

So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit
Right to the top
Don't hold back
Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check

I don't ever wanna let you down
I don't ever wanna leave this town
Cuz after all
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

So this is where you fell
And I am left to sail
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the top
Don't look back
Turning the rags and giving the commodities a rain check

I don't ever wanna let you down
I don't ever wanna leave this town
Cuz after all
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes, to ashes

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

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