Caregiver

"Wings" - Tori Amos

Very few things surprise me.  But...considering the exhaustion I’m still recovering from and hearing about the recent loss that my beautiful cousins are going through, it surprises me that I still manage to get out of bed with so many heavy thoughts in my head.

I think my co-trainer said it best.  A few days ago, he asked a group of us, "Have you ever suddenly felt the need to break down when you watched something emotional happen?"  

He explained, "Like seeing someone reunite with their lost pet or maybe witnessing an act of kindness...does all of this trigger immense sobbing?" 

This couldn't be any more true for me.  

He went on to say something that struck a chord in all of us... "We are sensitive to this because we are, Caregivers." 

We have to be on most of the time, even when we are supposed to be off.  We are wired to constantly help others that when we finally have a moment to absorb our needs, the feelings around them often come out when we least expect them [cue in the cry-fest during a sad commercial].  So there I am, giving myself permission to feel, when it sinks in.  Caregiving isn’t just a profession.  It’s something that's just a part of who we are. Some, more than others.  I reflected on this even more as I thought about how to be here for my cousins. 

I already made plans that would be challenging and costly to break, but I knew I had to try.  Without a doubt, they would do the same for me.  They already have.  I called the airline knowing full well that they may not be able to do anything about it.  I got connected to Dimitri, who at first seemed like he would only go by the book.  He began to total up all of the costs to shift my flight a day later...even, a few hours later.  I knew I didn’t have it in me to argue and it ached all over just to think about it.  Then, without saying another word, Dimitri put me on a brief hold. 

He came back on the line moments later and asked, “What’s the reason for the change?” 

I simply responded, “A loss in the family,” but my tone of voice remained calm and collect. 

I knew my cousins would hate me to push it so I said nothing more.  It was the genuine truth.  His calculations continued to add up.  My stomach turned.  I felt miserable.  He asked me a few more questions and then, put me on another hold.  This time for a bit longer.  I figured this would give him more time to tell me all the “I’m sorry’s” and sell me why it’s important to buy traveler’s insurance.  Blah, blah, blah...

But then, to my surprise, he returned to say, “All changes have been made at no cost to you.”  

He got a bit choked up and added, “Go be with your family.” 

I was stunned and after about a million heartfelt, “Thank you’s,” I asked to speak to his supervisor.  I’m so used to giving negative feedback that I knew I had to take the time to give this man a positive one.   The supervisor gets on the phone, but as he introduces himself, I just burst into tears.  The whole damn thing seriously caught me off guard!  So there I was literally losing all control I had in me to this nice stranger, attempting and failing at trying to pull myself together.  I wasn’t sure if I was making sense through the tears, but somehow I managed to utter a few words of appreciation.  I hung up the phone, but held onto it for a long while. 

I looked at the blank screen wondering, “Where in the world did this come from?"

Then, I thought back and it hit me...Caregivers.  

Whether it’s at work or at home...for friends or for family...or even for a complete stranger... 

It’s just something that’s ingrained in some of us.  

My cousins have it.  

I try my best to retain it. 

And this man; this customer service rep in Boise, Idaho, definitely showed it.  

And then, I cried all over again.

Lyrics:

You've been suffering
Hiding your pain
Unshed tears on the edge
"Just water under the bridge," you say

Is it too late
To make myself
A safe place
I could not see
The dangers
The sacrifices
You were making

Hurt you
Hurt me
Hurt you
Never meant to hurt you
Hurt me
I need
To make myself
A safe place
For you
To cry baby
Cause sometimes
Big boys they need to cry

So we built you some wings
To help you to flee
From your demanding
Dark Angel
And me

Is it too late
To make myself
A safe place
I went too far
When we flew too close
To our star

It hurt you
Hurt me
Hurt you
Never meant to hurt you
Hurt me
I need
To make myself
A safe place
For you
To cry baby
To cry baby
Cause sometimes
Big boys they need to cry
Cause sometimes
Big boys they need to cry

Image:  http://orig05.deviantart.net/70c8/f/2012/346/c/3/forest_guard____by_alcove-d5nuae9.jpg
Lyrics:  https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/toriamos/wings.html