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Showing posts from 2013

Rain or Shine

"Say Something" - A Great Big World I deleted two posts in my drafts folder.  Just yesterday afternoon, I started and stopped on this post about three times.  The rain was hard that morning, so much so that the front of my dark blue jeans was soaked from merely walking one full block to work.  I didn't stop for coffee.  I couldn't bring myself to pull into my usual place since so many things right now seem so out of place.  I had a concept for a good story and lost it completely, but this time it was different because I meant to.  I chose instead to be like the rain.  I'll pour as much as possible onto you, Dear Blog and we'll see where I end up. I'm in love with this song.  It's been on repeat and I know I'll never tire from it.  There are a few songs like that with me and they are all sad so I know by default that I'm right with this one.  Everything about it sends a familiar feeling within me to the surface and it's becoming more and

Grip

"I'll Be There" - The Escape Club It was after midnight on Friday the 13th.  The TV was the only thing that lit the room.  Lately, it's been warm; too warm for this place, but I still kept both layers of blankets on.  I had two pillows on each side of me, something I haven't been able to do on this bed in 6 months.  I don't mind not being able to do it.  I was tired, but my mind was awake.  So although my eyes were heavy, they remained half-opened watching fluorescent images jump from the screen to the ceiling, to the walls and against the beige blinds over the large window. The shadows were distracting and I knew they would keep me occupied from worrying.  I left the sound on low.  I didn't want to mute it completely.  I figured the muffled noise would be the best company as I attempt to dream.  It would be a broken sleep, but sleep nonetheless. 3:34A. It was still dark out.  The TV was still on.   Dancing shadows and murmurs filled the room, but th

Earrings

"Fix You" - Coldplay It's been 3 years on the day since...  And in that first year in which I thought would be the hardest year, I did more things than I ever thought possible.  It all started with getting up out of bed and looking hard into the bathroom mirror.  I saw this sad, puffy-eyed lost girl staring back at me.  She brushed her teeth like I did.  Pressed against her cheeks to calm the swelling down like I did.  Pulled her hair back like I did.  Washed her face with the same foam scrub that I used every day.  But yet I didn't recognize her.  She seemed empty and completely disoriented.  No matter how cold the water, she didn't feel it.  Her face just got hotter.  Her flushed cheeks and eyes, even more swollen.  It was then that I promised her that she wouldn't look that way for long.  Though she'll continue to age, one day she will do so with grace.  She will go about this routine until it makes sense to her again; until her face is something she

Whoosh!

"Everything has Changed" - Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran This was the song that came to mind.  It took me a few days to wonder why of all songs this song, but I get it now. I hate having one of those dreams when I wake up feeling more exhausted than when I went to bed.  I wake up angry, scared, tired, aggravated, overwhelmed and anxious.  I pinch myself to make sure I'm awake.  It hurts, but not as much as my dream did.  I control my breathing so I don't have a panic attack on top of it and tug at my courage to look around the room for something familiar.  I'm more hopeful when there's light out so that I'm not stuck in the dark unsure of my surroundings.  I do this a couple of times just to be safe.  Then I slowly sit up.  I feel a bit woozy at first so I rarely make an effort to stand up right away.  I often tend to lie back down, press my hands against the cool comforter and exercise my heavy eyelids.  Open, shut, open, shut until I officially get up

The Smart One

"Color My World" - Chicago I've been thinking about people lately.  Relationships, really.  This whole process about starting up with someone, getting to know them inside and out and being surrounded by their world and welcoming them into yours.  This whole interview of, "What's your favorite?"  "Who's your favorite?" and "Why is that your favorite?!"  The giddy, first date feeling for the first few months and the nonstop attention you never asked for and always got.  When you tried to plan your outfits in advance, but would change it at the last minute and then second-guess yourself right when you step outside of the front door. The talking about them to other people until they're sick of you talking about them, but you continue to talk about them anyway.  Then there you are, staring down at yourself from outside of yourself, looking like a foolish idiot you dreaded ever becoming and wondering how you let this genuine infatuati

1 + 1 = 2 More than Just You

Hello again, 11.  How ya doin' baby girl?  Let me say you're looking mighty different under a bright, new light.  You're gettin' finer and finer each year.  It took you a minute to find your stride, but I think you're handling your own quite well.  You need to do what you need to do to get things done and fortunately, you ain't alone here.  I know you got a lot on your mind especially with the wake up call that you and many others received less than a week ago.  But you gotta great team by your side.  I saw how far your jaws dropped when they showed up.  I know it's been a long time coming since you saw that kinda response, but it's here now so shake off the shock and get on with it.  You ain't the only one joining this fight and it's nice to see you share the work load. I know you've received plenty more surprises, not only from others but outta you too.  Trying not to do everything when you know for sure you can't is a start.  Someo

Self-Doubt

"It's Time" - Imagine Dragons   God grant me the serenity...  that is if I believed that there is only one being up there beyond the clouds that really does have such power.  And if so, who is it?  Who gets it?  Because at dire times it's hard for me to see it.  Is it wrong for me to question what to believe especially when I look around me and wonder why things are the way they have to be?  An illness that comes out of nowhere reminds me of just how mortal we all are.  An addiction that spans longer than a day shows me that even a want for something can be confused with a need.  And stress in it of itself proves to me that an illness and addiction can come from a single source. It's been an up and down Sunday to say the least.  I'm bashing down on these keys as a band I recently discovered (Imagine Dragons) and an album that I'm in love with (Continued Silence EP), blasts through my ears as loud as I want to scream!  Though their melody is soot

On

"Turn Me On" - Norah Jones A promise made.  A promise kept.  The walls may be a different shade.  The set up may be a wider space.   The temp may feel slightly colder. The light may seem a bit dimmer. But it feels so good to be home.  Hello to the writer's space that made me whole again.  Forgive me for feeling out of place.  You feel familiar, but there's been time between us so we've still got a lot of catching up to do. By the way, this chair isn't part of my comfort zone just so you know.  However, it's brought me closer to you so don't dismiss it just yet.  I don't need another reason for my hands to shy away from your keys though I don't recall them feeling so bouncy beneath my fingertips.  It's hard to say when my writer's world has felt so flat since the day I shut you off.  Here I am.  Wrapped up in a blue and purple snuggie with a brand new heater against me.  My feet are thawing out inside my beige booties, but m

Resolution

"Ho Hey" - The Lumineers I'm not one for rules.  Hell, I even break the ones I create for myself.  Take this blog for example.  I promised to write in it every, single day.  Well, that was easy enough when I was an insomniac in my own space with my own light and my own bed.  It was a no-brainer when my brain was filled with so many things I wanted to say.  It didn't come as a challenge when the only challenge was controlling my thoughts enough to jot it all down.  Then I promised at least once a week, but it's hard when that week is consumed with adjusting to change.  New city, new route, new job, new people, new home...even though this excuse is now getting old.  Regardless, I needed time and lots of it.  So I figured, "Fine so just be lazy and do it once a month."  You'd think I'll have plenty to write by then with so many experiences bursting at the seams, but then I unplugged my computer and temporarily moved it into the kitchen.  It'