A Bed of Songs & Stories

"Jar of Hearts" - Christina Perri You're not finding any of my blogs "interesting" or "funny," anymore I see. Figures. It's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine. That is, after I had to learn the hard way, yesterday. I should've resisted the temptation, but something was telling me just to try anyway. It won't hurt just to try, but lucky me, it definitely did. All over again. Dammit and it was just a f@$kin' message! I hate that I still cared enough to check, but I'm glad that you're finally smart enough to change it. I wanted so badly to delete at least mine from you. The sound of my voice, what I said, how I said it. I wanted it all just to go away forever, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Even the second time around. I almost thought, "Wow, it must mean something for him to still hang onto this all this time." Almost, but of course that's when I found something that made me realize nothing's ch...

"Little Lion Man" - Mumford & Sons I know this isn't love. This is aimlessness on my part. This is Karma. This is a mistake that I know I will never correct... Lyrics: Weep for yourself, my man, You'll never be what is in your heart Weep, little lion man, You're not as brave as you were at the start Rate yourself and rake yourself Take all the courage you have left Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head But it was not your fault but mine And it was your heart on the line I really f@$ked it up this time Didn't I, my dear? Didn't I, my dear? Tremble for yourself, my man, You know that you have seen this all before Tremble, little lion man, You'll never settle any of your scores Your grace is wasted in your face, Your boldness stands alone among the wreck Now learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck But it was not your fault but mine And it was your heart on the line I really f@$ked it up this time ...

"I Want You to Want Me" - Letters to Cleo 10 Things I Hate About You I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you’re always right, I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close… not even a little bit… not even at all. Lyrics: I want you to want me I need you to need me I'd love you to love me I'm begging you to beg me I want you to want me I need you to need me I'd love you to love me I'll shine up my old brown shoes I'll put on a brand new shirt I'll get home early from work If you say that you love me Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying? Oh, did...

"Return to Oz" Original Motion Picture Soundtrack - David Shire/The London Symphony Orchestra This will always be my true OZ. None of that munchkin, techno-colored sh*t for me. No happy-go-lucky song and dance hoopla. No scared scarecrow, cowardly lion, and hollow tin-man. No sir, even Toto stayed home for this one. Introduce a smart, cackling chicken, a "small army", a Pumpkin Head, and a Gump into a dark, magical world filled with mystery, mischief and imagination and you've got yourself one amazing, classic film entitled, Return to Oz . Critics were cruel to Director Walter Murch for thinking way beyond the outside of the box and basing most of the plot on the original novels of OZ written in the early 1900's. However, I believe that it was largely due to the fact that they were unfortunately, misled into thinking that this was some sort of sequel to its MGM predecessor, Director Victor Fleming's The Wizard of Oz . Although the new characters are obvi...

"When I Grow Up" - Strawberry Shortcake This one made me remember one of my most fondest childhood cartoons of them all: Strawberry Shortcake Meets the Berrykins. This original version was filled with adorably freckled characters, dressed in cute little outfits and named after a special fruit or berry like Banana Twirl , Plum Puddin' , and Orange Blossom . The stories evolved around the main character, Strawberry Shortcake and her love for delicious strawberries and strawberry treats. In this particular episode, Strawberry Shortcake was in search for a "new look" and felt it was time to grow up, but when the Berrykins (who keep the fruit smelling and tasting beautifully) were kidnapped by the Purple Pie Man, she had to put her own wishes aside to rescue them and restore the order back in Strawberry Land. In the end, it was because of her unselfishness, that the Berry Princess granted Strawberry Shortcake with beautiful long, luscious hair - My absolute favorite...

"Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street & Mister Roger's Neighborhood" - PBS You're probably wondering where I've been, Dear Blog. I haven't gone far, at least not yet. I guess you could say I was on some sort of a Blog Strike , but then I realized the only person it was hurting was me. So, I came back because this is my art, my venue, and my own show. And it must go on... I started to feel like my entries were focused on someone else vs. just myself and I needed to breathe a bit and get away from something I can't change. This has been a good way for me to release my feelings and vent out my frustrations, but it can't only be for this reason that I choose to write. I need to remember more times in my life when I felt inspired and fulfilled. I claim to be the type of person that hates to be alone. I claim to need company no matter where I go and to feel so withdrawn when I don't have anyone to converse with. I claim to be better with another and sad wh...

"Rainbow Connection" - Kermit The Frog (The Muppet Movie) This song came to mind over 4-months ago, but at the time I didn't know what to write about so I just left it lost in my drafts until now. It popped back in my head after a very old friend posted a very old picture of us the other day on Facebook. We were standing side by side against a wall full of kids' drawings. He was wearing a yellow-striped shirt while I was dressed in red and white. I look like a candy cane; a happy candy cane at that, complete with a red clip over my mushroom-cut hair and the cheesiest smile on my face. Yet sadly, I don't even remember taking this picture at all. Beneath the Polaroid was the date 1984/5, his name, my name, the name of our teacher and the wrong school crossed out with the right school written just above it. I stared at it for a long minute and thought, "Wow even though the memory of this left me, it was definitely me alright...a me I had almost forgotten about u...

"Theme from Mahogany (Do You Know Where You're Going To)" - Diana Ross It's been a rough couple of days. I spent most of it pacing back and forth in order to find some sense of direction, but I'm completely at a standstill. I've been here and done that, unchallenged by the work that I do and continuously challenged by the people in it. It's a joke. This idea of helping one another in order to help others is a big, fat joke. I know...I've always known the tricks of the trade, yet I refuse to give in so easily. It's not who I am and sadly, it's making me miserable. I either do as they say or defend my job's integrity, but how far will I go to maintain job security? I have no voice, no say, no room in this role I play, but I just don't know where to go anymore. I don't know what I want to do and I'm afraid that if I leave, I'll end up with absolutely nothing. And I can't even afford nothing . So I'm trapped because of ...

"Gray or Blue" - Jaymay No, June Gloom, no. Don't you do it. Please don't go. I need my winter right now. I need darkness. I want my clouds. I want the gray. This stupid sun isn't friendly and I've been hiding from it all day. I don't want it to beat down. I want to delay this perky summer bullsh*t from coming around. So, please June, not yet. Give me some time and let this awful sun set. I want to feel the chilly weather, wear a sweater, and not even bother. It helps me cope and makes me smile. I just don't want to deal with this painful denial... that there's more sunny days ahead... So I'd rather stay in bed. With a hot cup of tea full of foamy milk on top. Whipped by yours truly pretending that it's not too warm to drink this yummy goodness to make me feel fine. So please more dark blue and less sunshine. I want to do away with this season. I need more reasons to get up and conquer the world because I'm a tired, moody gray/blue ...

"We Belong Together" - Ritchie Valens Don't be misled by the song I chose for this entry. I chose it for many reasons. I chose it because I know you expected something from me. It's been this way since we found out you, too, are a dad. I don't mean a gift, a card, or even a call. I just mean some sort of acknowledgment, that's all. But even though I didn't greet you for the first time in 5-years (we know why it's not 6), I also know you know what I would've said anyway. I just had to let this Sunday pass without you. I could've easily taken a moment for you, but I wanted to devote my attention to the only man in my life that has never left my side no matter how heavy the burden and how rough the road: My dad. We kept it pretty mellow today. Of course my dad did all the cooking and ended up taking care of everyone before himself, but that's expected. And although nothing crazy happened to really drain me, I somehow felt my energy being drain...

"When Will I See You Again?" - Three Degrees I have no idea why I was prone to long-distance relationships. My first attempt started up North. We met at a luau-themed family party complete with fake palm trees, tiki torches, leis and a roasted pig. My hair was cut short, up to my shoulders with extreme curls known as a "body wave." I was wearing some tragic bright pink, green and blue mess of a dress, nylons and white shoes. Funny thing is I can't remember what he wore or what his hair looked like, but I definitely remember how he caught my attention. He was part of a dance group that performed amazingly well. I ran into him a few times, but never made eye contact. Finally, my cousin walked him over to my table and introduced me. We smiled at each other, but were too shy to even speak. So, we left it at that. About a month or two later, I got a letter in the mail. It shocked the hell out of me to receive my first official letter and low and behold, it was a lov...

"Always in My Heart" - Tevin Campbell Freshman year. New school. New crush. New mixed tape. I didn't just receive them. I loved making them too, even as time-consuming as they were to make. This was way before music was at your fingertips. There was no such thing as playlist.com. CDs cost $20+ and who knew if all the songs were even good? Plus, I was a kid. I didn't have any money to buy anything. So, I used to keep the radio on with a fresh tape inside. The cassette player's pause/record buttons would be pressed down at the same time and ready to go. Once I heard the song I wanted (passed the commercial breaks and the DJ talking over the intro) I'd release the pause button and capture it. I used to love the feeling I'd get when an awesome song was being recorded. I'd always think, "Wow, what perfect timing." I'd sit there for hours trying to squeeze in as many songs as I could on one side. I remember seeing the ribbon grow smaller and ho...

"Can't Wait Another Minute" - Hi-Five With my on-going playlist, I continue to reminisce... How young, dumb love is something I truly do miss. I miss the puppy love phase. I miss finding out if they "like me, like me" vs. just "like me" days. I miss passing notes in class. I miss checking the "YES" box to every sweet question asked. I miss the shy grins we'd give each other as we walked down the hall. I miss hanging up a few times before getting the nerve to call. I miss thinking they're thinking of me with every broken knot. I miss plucking off petals to see if they love me or love me not. I miss holding hands on the school bus. I miss feeling the feeling of "just the two of us." I miss hugs and kisses even though we didn't know how to kiss well. I miss wearing their jacket and smelling their smell. I miss how they'd stumble over their words to tell me I'm pretty. I miss feeling as pretty as they'd tell me...

"Why Do I Believe" - Pebbles I logged in a little after 11P without any real sense of direction. My baby sis came into my room and wanted to use my computer to look up a few videos on You Tube. The next thing we know, we're spending the next 2 hours reminiscing and laughing about just how much we found and what memories it brought up. I love it when we pull up the past to remember how great it felt to be a heart strung teenager. We were so inspired that we started to look up love songs from the early 90s. Waves of songs from my long lost crushes came flooding back. Songs that have been trapped in mixed tapes with no cassette player to set them free were now finding their out and into my life again. We sang along to the corny lyrics and talked about how I received these sweet dedications and just how much effort was put into each handmade gift. I wonder where these boys are now. I wonder who they're with, what they look like, and if they even wonder about me. I wonder ...

"Amie" - Damien Rice I woke up this morning in tears. I guess the warmth of them rolling down my cheeks was too difficult to ignore. It was early and I was still very tired, but my mind and body lost its urge to stay asleep. I pulled the covers over me and forced my eyes shut. I wasn't ready to get up just yet, but no matter what I did to find my sleep again I knew full well that I was wide awake. This song crept into my bed before my first alarm went off. It found its way into a safe, little nook between my pillows and comforted me. Half an hour passed when I finally got out of bed, splashed cold water against my face, and prepared myself for another day. It was going to be a long one so I brought out my dusty ol' iPod in hopes that today the cords would fit. I needed to hear more of this song. Suddenly, my little Mini was filled with "Amie" and I felt whole again. She played continuously as I made my way down familiar streets and along a surprisingly empty...

"This Year's Love" - David Gray I took on a project bigger than myself. I've been putting it off for quite some time now, but last Thursday as I was twisting and turning in my office chair I knew I needed something to keep me busy. Rows of paperwork rolled out at me as I pulled open each filing cabinet. The thought of shuffling through it all made my head hurt. This used to be a job for 4, but now I'm the only one left. So much of me wanted to push these drawers shut and wait for help, but I know now this will never come. I had to get used to doing things on my own this passed year and although a small few came to my aide to help carry the weight, sadly it's a pretty hefty load that not many are able to lift. So, I finally decided to suck it up and do it myself. I sat still for a minute and looked at the pile I was about to dive into and said, "No more waiting. No more hoping. Just take it one piece at a time and pray I don't go crazy." A part of...

"Casper's Lullaby" - James Horner (from the movie soundtrack, Casper ) There are certain melodies that stick to me and often make me think of more than just where they originally came from and this is definitely one of them. It's so peacefully haunting that I can't even describe what comes to mind when I hear it...only that it's all beautiful and inspiring. Pianos get me every time. It was early Friday evening. All I wanted to do was shower, get into my pjs and make a night out of doing nothing. I needed to rest my feet from a long week and put my mind at ease from thinking too much into things...at least for the night. I was sitting in the dining area when I heard a familiar tune from a very familiar movie. I walked slowly to the living room and peeked in. There on the screen was a friendly ghost. Although this movie is quite corny in many ways, I truly adore it. One particular scene is so calming to me. It's when Casper flew Kat (Christina Ricc...

"Don't Worry Baby" - Beach Boys I could stay or I could leave ... I remember thinking this the day I found out. So much of me wanted to walk away, but it was too late. I'd fallen for you. Hard. Believe me I received an ear full of reasons why I should quit. I was expected to. You even expected me to since it was what I said I wanted: no ties, no lies, no kids. I didn't know what to make out of it so I cried. I cried so much I cried even more. I just couldn't understand why something so perfect had to be ruined so soon. Then you shut down...completely...and I stayed. I didn't want to abandon you. I remember calling out for a week from both jobs while you started a new one. I had an empty apartment all to myself, but instead I drove out to your crowded house to sleep next to you for what felt like only a few minutes. You had to leave by 3am every morning and by the time you finally came home, you were so exhausted you simply knocked out. I can't even rem...

"You're Ex-Lover Is Dead" - Stars Yes, I finally put this song up. I can't believe it's been over 3-months since I first heard it. I kept coming back to it, but didn't know where to begin. I didn't know what it all meant so I left it alone until you mentioned it a week ago. I still feel kinda weird to say that we actually talked then, but I'm not sure in what way yet so I thought now would be the best time as any to write about it (just in case I get mad or sad later and it kills my mood). Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I just ignored your text like I did a month ago or rejected your blocked call completely out of habit? I was waiting for the lectures from my side when I told them how long our conversation lasted. I was waiting for the 20 questions, the "you should've, you could've's," but surprisingly, the most I got was a forced smile. And the funny thing is I'm actually really glad I answered the phone. I...

"Dancing with Myself" - Billy Idol Yesterday after work I was going to meet a friend at a new cafe in Eagle Rock, which is not too far from my office. I had a choice. I could either drive all the way home for a mere 15 minutes of peace or stick it out for a little over an hour by myself. I hate being by myself. But... it just didn't make any sense to drive around in a circle when I was already right there. I know this sounds petty, but for people who know me this is far from it. I enjoy company. I take long lunches because of it. I rearrange my schedule for it. I'd inconvenience myself all the time if it meant having someone interesting to talk to. Otherwise, you'd see me sitting in front of my computer, eating out of a Tupperware in less than 10-minutes flat. I'm pretty quick if I eat alone because I find it completely and utterly boring. So, you'd think by now it's quite obvious what my choice would be. My head kept telling me, "Just go home....

"Defying Gravity" - Wicked (Idina Menzel & Kristin Chenoweth) I wasn't going to blog tonight. I promised not to stress myself over this and instead use it as a way of coping with stress. This shouldn't be another job I have to do. It's not an assignment. I'm not turning it in for credit. There are no grades. There are no rules, but I somehow place restrictions on what I can and cannot write about anyway. It pisses me off and then I become my own worst critic. It's supposed to be freelance and sadly, it feels far from free. I know this because at times, I feel forced. My posts somehow seem flat to me, like they're just words spread across the page to show proof that I at least attempted to write. So I thought about this blog; all of my blogs for that matter and wondered who they really were for? I realized that often my inspiration for writing was sparked by my feelings towards something or someone vs. just me and my desire to write. I resented this...